Titans sent packing, Texans win 31-12

Lag. That one word is the plight of many men. Full grown men dying by the dozens in EA Sports' basement, each running with little sleep and no food in giant hamster wheels, attempting to keep the Madden 11 servers afloat.

All because an Australian and a Midwesterner wanted to play a game. But hey, it's important, right?

"What do we do, Susz," said Aussie Chris, who could be heard eating a burrito. Talking over Xbox Live with Ken of the Baltimore Wes Cravens and Mike of the Houston Texans, each seemed puzzled at the absurd slowness of the EA servers.

"G'day, MATE!" shouted Mike, attempting to sound as Australian as possible. "Hello, guvnah!"

"I didn't know Dan Vitale was joining us," Ken chimed in, clearly sipping tea. "Adam and I have played five times now."

"Yeah, fuck this lag," Mike added. He wasn't wearing pants, but they didn't know that. "Let me try hosting again. I'm not streaming this time."

Some other stuff was said, probably at other peoples' expenses, and Mike attempted to be an Australian a few times, but just now remembers that he forgot to say stuff about Kangaroos. Missed opportunities! Some other guys joined them for a bit, but they don't matter.

So, eventually, a game was played. And on this, the fourth or fifth time started, the Texans found the "right stuff." That stuff was located in the arm of Matt Cassel, who would complete 12 of his 14 passes for 230 yards and 3 touchdowns. He found Andre Johnson, Santonio Holmes, and Lenoy "The Playboy" Tucker with ease. And it was good.

What else happened? Oh yeah, Cortland "Trailblazer" Finnegan and Aspha "The Heart Break Kid" Savage both had an interception, and Brian Cushing had a sack.

The Texans really hit to hurt tonight. They broke the ribs of Titans starting FS Michael Griffin, who will miss four weeks. Owen Daniels was also folded into an extensive set of shapes found in an origami book on one play as well, herniating his, uhh, disk. Is that what it's called? He has a herniated disk. How do you herniate something?

Anyways, Daniels will be out NINE weeks, putting the Titans' entire season into Jeopardy. Oh, I shouldn't have capitalized that. I guess he'll be playing Alex Trebek at tight end now. Ken Jennings could play free safety, right? I hear he goes up to 74 overall if you play him at corner.

Daniels' herniation was payback for the Titans decision to fracture the shoulder blade of the Texans' #2 TE, Travis Beckum, who also had a touchdown in this game. He certainly can't bend much of anything like Beckham now, eh? I actually wrote that joke down. Right here.

What's important to note is that both Beckum and Daniels are from Wisconsin. Yes, as in UW-Madison. The Fragile Badger spreads its claws....

Some other stuff happened, and I lost interest, so I stopped writing. Here are some stats:

Titans / Texans
Total Yds 376 / 311
Rush Yds 112 / 81
Pass Yds 264 / 230
First Downs 15 / 8
Turnovers 2 / 0
3rd Conv. 3-10 / 1-4
4th Conv. 2-2 / 1-1
Red Zone 2-2 / 3-3
TOP 17:20 / 14:40

Passing Stats:
[HOU] Matt Cassel - 12/14, 230 yds, 3 TDs
[TEN] Vince Young - 17/30, 270 yds, 1 TD, 2 INTs

Rushing Stats:
[HOU] Earl Bowman - 12 att, 43 yds
[HOU] Shonn Greene - 5 att, 42 yds, 1 TD
[TEN] Kenarious Fluellen - 13 att, 66 yds
[TEN] Vince Young - 5 att, 46 yds

Receiving Stats:
[HOU] Andre Johnson - 4 rec, 99 yds, 1 TD
[HOU] Santonio Holmes - 2 rec, 79 yds, 1 TD
[HOU] Lenoy Tucker - 3 rec, 35 yds
[TEN] Bensly Blake - 6 rec, 173 yds, 1 TD
[TEN] Onaje Lewis - 3 rec, 31 yds
[TEN] Owen Daniels - 3 rec, 20 yds

Defensive Stats:
[HOU] Aspha Savage - 2 tack, 1 INT
[HOU] Cortland Finnegan - 3 tack, 1 INT
[HOU] Brian Cushing - 5 tack, 1 sack

Texans will play the New England Fords next, while the Titans stumble off to face the Jaguars next, who are looking for their first win of the season. Jaguars can smell the blood of a maimed team, and are certainly on the prowl.